Dear *name withheld*,

It has come to our attention, as of late, that our nielsen ratings may have slipped within your household, that you may not be as satisfied with our more recently scheduled programming as once you were with our more drama-based programs. Well, our advertisers have urged us to make some drastic changes, and as such, we've been moving away from drama, and further toward action and comedy. What can we say? The viewers eat it up, buy merchandise by the boat load, and make our advertisers very happy. (And when our advertisers are happy, we, of course, are also happy.)

We understand how you might be disappointed by this change, however, everything is about the demographics these days, and we can't possibly provide content which is satisfactory and entertaining to everyone across the board. It's simply not humanly possible. We can only hope, for those viewers for whom we are no longer able to satisfy, that they can find content more pleasing to their palate on another channel. If you greatly enjoy drama, you might try We, or Oxygen. Or even Bravo- we hear they have this hilarious group of guys who just LOVE to redecorate! We've also heard daytime ABC is a huge hit with that entire 'The View' thing.

Insofar as your phone is concerned, again, our apologies, but as we've never used that model of smartphone, we couldn't begin to tell you how to operate it, and would likely only serve to confuse you further. However, yes, we do normally begin with the age old wisdom of "RTFM!" LOL!
Who'd have thunk, right? People are always amazed when they first try it, and find that it actually works. Oft times, they are also greatly overjoyed, suddenly reminded of such fond childhood memories, as 'learning to read', and 'basic arithmetic'. We, personally, take great joy in providing them the experience of these little 'ah-ha!' moments!

Anyhow, we truly hope this letter finds you well, and explains why things are going to be different here on out. We understand that it will most likely result in a (drastic) change in viewership, however we anticipated this change pretty far out, planned accordingly, and look forward to a bright and entertaining future!